Yay the O levels are finally over. come to think of it, this is what i've studied so hard for?
it's like one big joke. haha now i'm in party mode but it's damn boring to stay at home every day. there's nothing to do...

hmm at least i managed to find a decent job.robinson's. pay's not that good but i'm not complaining cos it gives me an excuse to not stay at home. there's other stuff keeping me busy at the moment but i shan't say what those are. haha zhe shi yi ge bu neng shuo de mi mi xD

haha my blog is like so abandoned. if not that ppl is pressing me to update i wun even care. haha but i damn happy today cos i got good news.

yay i managed to do wwhat i said i would do after i got my mid yr results. that time i didn't manage to get into the double digit level position. this time i made it. i'm rankeed 80 so it's still quite safe. haha i'm so happy. but i wun rest until i beat kaiwen, yenling, and get 6 points. it's a promise

It's been a really long time since i've last blogged. Now the official countdown is 94 days...

As usual, there's so much to say. Learnt a lot more lessons, but not in school. Life taught me, and I have to say i learnt well.

I've been through a lot of ups and down these few months. Saw many things happening around me and realised that all the most perfect things happen to someone else even though i've tried fighting for it.

I dun know, maybe it may seem that i'm very strong when people actually look at me, but somehow those who always see through to my weaker side always take advantage of it.

i'm so tired of strggling through life alone. i want someone to be there, in the way i can count on. not to appear whenever he needs me, but rather to always be there for me. is it too much to ask?

i sound suicidal, and i think i probably am. if not for the fact that i dun have the courage to end everything, people would have to visit me at the mandai columbarium. the stress is killing me. i dun know how much more i can take.

i guess this is also the reason that i accepted someone into my life. he's not the dream guy, at least to me, but at least i have someone to talk to. he doesn't always understand, but apparently all relationships are this way. the people who i want to understand me often ignore me. people think i'm aloof, but actually i'm juz a very lonely person who doesn't know how to communicate.

i look on with envy at what others have in their lives. i'm not jealous, but somehow i cannot help the way i feel. i know that i wun be able to bring myself to destroy what other people actually have and are enjoying. i juz wish that, for once, something can happen that wun actually break my heart. something that i can really look back on and tell myself that it's enough, i can actually smile and fondly remember the good times. but the truth is, i can't. i've no more emotions except sadness and melancholy.

i seek solace in the forbidden, doing things that normal ppl wouldn't dare, juz to distract myself. it gives me the adrenaline drive i need to keep me going. i only need to hold out for a while more.

i've always been lying to myself. i know that but i cnt stop. i dun wan to face the reality.it's too exhausting.

my final words: to ~
sorry ~ i admit that i've kinda used you as an anchor when i was sinking. i think both of us know that what we have is not even serious in that sense. we both know what i'm talking about. we built a relationship based on that and these kind of stuff will never last. it was wrong of me, and i accept that. but u were the only one who was there all along. for that i thank you. you saw me through one of the hardest times i had to go through, after that jerk hurt me so badly. you stepped in to protect me. somehow, that sense of security... it was what i needed the most at that point in time. u were my emotional crutch helping me through. i dun know how you'll feel after reading this, but i really dun have the courage to tell u this in the fac. but please, call me after u read this. say sorry to your brother for me too. tell him he can find somehow better. these 2 weeks were short but at least we didn't end up in that disastrous way some others do. let's end it once and for all. along the way, i realised that i was on the way to making the same mistake as what i did with B. i can't let myself go that way again. i'm sorry.let's break up. juz know that... wo ai ni... juz let me go so i can heal...

i think this is gonna be my last post for quite some time. my parents cut the plug of my com so there's no way i can go online at home. now i'm satying over at my friend's house, making ip for my march holidays, or rather, the lack thereof.

damn sian la. but then i got my goals clear le. L1R5 below 10, get the N81 asap, and get a nice guitar. from now on its gonna be all work and no play. a pretty boring life huh? i guess so, but still have to put up with it anyway. sickening. so many movies out there i want to watch but can' t find the time to. going crazy le. 200++ more days...

oh ya. finally found my tortoise that went mia when my mum let it out for a walk a month ago. it survived. my bro found it crawling around in the toilet. so happy. now both of them are reunited. hahax. a happy ending. but that's only for them, not me. lolx. still gotta find a way to cope with all my troubles...

only now i realise who are the friends that really care about me. or so to say, the few true friends out of the few that i possess. those that are there when i'm feeling down, there for me when i desperately need someone to talk to, there to stand up for me despite the consequences.

today was a very bad day for me. first i got whacked in my stomach during PE lesson when an idiot whose name i dun wanna mention kicked a goddamn volleyball at me. the stupid teacher just looked up at me and said" dun sit there" when it really hurt. he didn't even bother to ask if i was ok. i was so pissed that i went back to class. it was locked, so i juz sat in the rain. edward wong and ms fu tried to pull me in, but i was beyond reasoning. i dun even wanna waste my breath talking to them.

then i realised some things about the teachers of ZHONGHUA SECONDARY SCHOOL. They appear to be concerned not because they really care, but because their jobs are at stake. Yes. I don't care who the heck is reading this, but this is what i feel. Any problem with freedom of expression? I'm Yin Xia from 4E6. You can try shutting me up but we're all entitled to freedom of expression aren't we? There is sure to be someone from the school authority reading this cos there are people googling students' blogs. What i am saying now will have it's consequences, but i really have to say this. With the exception of a handful of teachers, others are only there to do their job, nothing more. Like my PE teacher. I WANT MS THOR BACK!

and then mr poh shouted at me cos i made a random comment. my way of speaking is like that, and i've toned it down already. if u dun like it, that's your problem. in fact, i wasn't even in the wrong. he was saying that he asked the a maths people to tell us to bring our emaths file. so i was commenting to meizhen that "He actually asked the A MATHS people to tell us to bring our E MATHS file?" in case people dun realize what the fuss is, i meant that he's not linking anything as a and e maths are 2 separate subjects. then he buey song then started scolding me. if he's gonna label me as attitude problem, then of course i'm gonna show him attitude. but i didn't even retaliate. i stormed out of class after his scolding. is that attitude? sorry, but i dun think so. at least i didn't do what i would've done in the past- shout back at him. he's not the only person who's had a bad day.

and i'm so glad to have friends like meizhen and nathaniel. meizhen actually spoke up for me. well, as for nathaniel, he tried to get me out of the rain. i was sitting outside the class when he came by. it was drizzling quite heavily so i was already drenched. he came up to me and asked why on earth was i sitting there. then i told him. he threatened to stand in the rain as well if i didn't get into the shelter so i had no choice. so, thanks, people.

fucked up world. i was really dumb in the past, to believe what people said. to trust too easily equals to letting yourself get hurt. there's so many hypocrites out there, i'm sick of it. the school is FLOODED with people like them.

i dun understand the obsession with popularity. everyone wants to hang out with "cool" but empty-headed people. will you guys grow up? and there are girls going around saying that they're fat when the only problem they have is with their own image. c'mon la. learn to accept and love yourself the way you are.

and i seriously think that the people in some of the better classes so don't deserve their place. they're just bimbos or himbos whose only concern is to have as much fun as possible. ARGH! why am i stuck in a stupid environment like this? it really sucks.

and then the debate is also round the corner, but no one from my band is intrested. i wonder if i'm the only person from herriot that cares. hiax.

now i feel so alone. it's like going back to three years ago, when i didn't know any one in this school. everybody has their own preference on who to hang out with. boyfriends, cliques, you name it. the only consolation is that no matter how other people treat me there'll always be someone there. but seriously, if boyfriends/girlfriends are so important, why don't you just go ahead and get married. for goodness sake, you have a life. and it's not only one solitary person i'm talking about here. it's almost everybody who has a stead that's behaving in this ridiculous way. in school, tuition, even friends from primary school. i really can't stand it anymore. get a life, will you? am i the only person that understands the concept that friends are forever while steads are disposable?

i dun mean this in a negative way but then again it's like nobody expects a relationship to last. esp when we're all still at this age. it's okay to fool around a bit and all that but how serious do u wan to be? get engaged? this is reality and not some stupid channel 8 drama serial. let's face it. the people in relationships are all trying to get something out of it. for guys, i dun think i need to say it but maybe it's sex? for girls they're only trying to find someone who can give them an emotional attachment, and so fall prey to the guy's advances. they think that company= love. this may be true at some point but the kind of love is different. they may be loved as a friend, not as in the "lover" kind of love. ends up it's always the girl that gets hurt cos she has become too emotionally attached to the guy to break away. esp when sex is involved. there's no free meal in the world. so girls out there, wise up. not all guys all as decent or caring as they may seem. they may appear to care about you a lot but things will be a lot different when they've had what they want.

i dun know and don't care how others may think but this is my philisophy. i'm willing to break up with my boyfriend cos my friend needs my company and my boyfriend doesn't understand and wants me to spend time with him. there's only one me. there'll always be a better guy, but there's only one chance for a person to make up to a friend in need. lovers are disposable, but friends are forever...

there are some things better left unsaid, others best brought out into the open. i'm in a dilemma now. anyway, i realised that some people just simply dun know how to take care of themselves. i'm trying my best to fix their problems, though i have no idea why i even cared in the first place. i'm gonna be rather busy for the next two weeks or so, so i wun have much time to post. my life is pathetic. i'm only hoping that things will turn out to be for the best.

people dun cherish their lives. they think only about how miserable their own lives are, and dun realise that there are people worse off. well, take a good look around you. there is much more misery. maybe you'll enjoy that.

good night.

THAT LADY

Prawn
15, Taurus

SHE WANTS

the ability to forget...

SCREAM;TALK

EXITS

:: LiNeTtE ::
:: ChRiS ::
:: LiZ ::
::AdRiAnnA::
:: Wei Ying ::
::2E1::
::Mr Gavin Lee::
::W3iTinG::
::K3zIah::
::Jun Jie::
::M3iYun::
:mei zhen::